The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
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My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
subtitles are so good nowadays
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Spell check is for lasers.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”