another case of gang violins
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake