Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.