[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Camping tip: No.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Breaking news:
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.