Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people