“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.