BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend