The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Based Erika
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”