H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.