Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty