When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
You Might Also Like
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.