just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
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here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”