“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
You Might Also Like
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.