My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
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Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
The happy life.. 😊
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.