Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf