Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.