Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.