excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
You Might Also Like
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Breaking news:
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
had to make it
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.