You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
my professor scared me for a second
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.