Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.