Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
These aren’t even hard anymore.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle