putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.