I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.