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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
May never get over this
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
real
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo