NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!