FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
New mindset, who dis?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
This is my pinned tweet
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*