accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
nature’s most graceful animal
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)