My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying