Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
You Might Also Like
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
HERE’S MARKY
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
catch me on valentine’s day like
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider