I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed