Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.