Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you