*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[eulogy]
line?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Investing in beetcoin
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email