Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.