I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
San Francisco has too many rules
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”