Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.