“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.