Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Guilty! 🤪
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Poetry is my passion
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.