Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?