Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
anyone else like Italian cereal
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.