I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)