We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
💁🏻♂️
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”