I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
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ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
opening a flower shop called women in stem
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Namaste
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.