my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
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Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row