Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.