“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready