“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away