So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.