At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Pandas 🐼🖤
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled