Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.